Funny Facebook Status Updates (Rated)

Had a good talk with my father about the importance of respecting those that love you by prioritizing them appropriately. Point taken.

Wouldn't it be great if it turned out that men have been having periods this whole time, but we were so manly that we just hadn't noticed?

I love the new facebook. Keeps recommending that I poke my friend's mum.

Is Oral Sex a taste of things to come?

Ok, so this girl on Facebook posted a status which read: "How can I get rid of this morning sickness?" Turns out replying, "Try a coat hanger" is a good way to get yourself deleted.

'I got ripped in four weeks'. I don't give a shit. The last thing I want in the corner of my eye when watching porn is a naked guy tensing.

Note to self: Make sure on a first date both of us understand each other's idea of "eating out".

When nailing your scrotum to a kitchen table for the purposes of sexual gratification, always ensure that you leave the pliers within arms' reach, not in your toolbox in the shed.

The kids nowadays don't realize how lucky they are when it comes to porn. They can switch on the computer and have vast amounts in seconds. When I was a kid, I used to have a wank when I typed the digits 5318008 into a calculator.

My wife said to me the other day, 'Surprise me with something that'll take my breath away'. So I punched her in the stomach.

Does anybody else hold off on cumming until the porn star does? Makes you think you're one of them doesn't it? Even if you have just fast-forwarded the last 20 minutes.

Sometimes I try to masturbate long words into my jokes, even if I don't know what they mean.

After all the years of using condoms, it was only today I realized what the little bit on the end is really for? It’s to put your foot on, to get the tight bastard off! Or maybe that's just me?

Going to McDonalds for a salad is like going to a brothel for a hug.

Never tell your dyslexic girlfriend to sit on your face.

My Nan must be so embarrassed by her odor she's pretending to be dead.

You know you've got a problem when every letter of the alphabet triggers a porn bonanza in your address bar.

My girlfriend hates it when I wake her up with my boner. She says it's 'unromantic' and it 'hurts her eye'...

My wife just went mental at me for spilling Coke on her Yamaha Electric Piano. Not the first time a sticky keyboard has landed me in the shit.

Just got this DVD "Hot And Horny Housewives Do Anal 3". Do you think I will understand what's going on if I've not seen 1 and 2?

Condoms are useless. They burst, and when they do it's a disaster. The stomach just cannot cope with the sudden influx of 2 kilos of cocaine.

You know it's a good wank when your screensaver comes on.

Women's football would be a lot more popular if they renamed it "22 girls 1 cup"

Aliens are abducting men with big cocks - you other guys are safe. I'm just posting this to say goodbye.

Dyslexic porn stars. Putting the sex in dyslexia.

Advice for office managers: Keep the sexual harassment complaint forms in the bottom drawer. That way, when she goes to get one you'll get a great view of her ass.

I applied for a job in a mental hospital today, they said I needed 24 hours experience with a retard. Wanna hang tomorrow? I got crayons.

You know you're putting a lot into your wank when the neighbours are asking you to keep it down,

I see a woman with a tattoo and I think, okay, here’s a girl who’s capable of making a decision she’ll regret in the future. My kinda woman.

There is nothing sadder than the sound of a crying child. Unless they are crying because of something I did to them, then it is hilarious.

The difference between a straight girl and a lesbian, in my experience, is about one and a half bottles of wine...

I have a schizophrenic girlfriend. She's ugly but has great personalities.

It takes many nails to put together a crib but only one screw to fill it.

Just got my leprosy cured. High 3!

Prayer: The idea that God's plans are so unimportant that he will change them if you ask him to.

Studies have found that, on average, a man thinks about sex once every tits seconds.

So embarrassing yesterday - I walked out of our local sex shop and my mum was walking past! I'm gutted - I wanted her vibrator to be a surprise.

I was dating a Siamese twin but she caught me shagging her sister behind her back.

Definition of a good mate, someone who goes into town and gets two blow jobs, then comes back and gives you one...

Arm amputees: Stumped for cash? Earn a second income by taking impressive fisting photos.

Losing one parent is unlucky. Losing the other is just careless.

Cleavage is the only thing that you can look down on and approve of at the same time.

I think the reason I was so unpopular at school is that not only would I shit in my pants, but I'd occasionally shit in other kids pants too

Wanking is like procrastinating. It's fun at the time but by the end you'll realise you've just gone and fucked yourself.

Alanis Morrisette is a prime example of why horses shouldn't be allowed to sing.

I was at an orgy the other night, people shagging all over the place. I'd never been to one before, I don't know what came over me...

Looks aren't everything, but you can't wank over personality.

My mate just texted me by accident wishing me a happy Mother's Day. Fortunately, she stayed over last night so I could pass the message on for him.

The best parties are the ones that you would remember forever... if only you could recall them the next day.

I like my women the way I like my salsa: Hot! Spicy! And a little bit chunky!

Women eh! Boob jobs, nose jobs, teeth bleaching, tummy tucks, liposuction, colonic irrigation, botox, pierced ears, nipples, bellys and clits, eyebrows plucked, bikini wax, armpits shaved, lips tattooed, legs waxed, diets, exercise and they wont take it up the ass cause it 'hurts'.

I believe in making a commitment. I just don't believe in keeping it.

Sex: "Duty", if done with your Wife; "Art", if done with your Lover; "Education", if done with a Virgin; "Business Transaction", if done with a Prostitute; "Social Work", if done with a Divorcee; "Charity", if done with a Widow; and "Meditative Trance", if done by yourself.

If you have sex with your clone, are you gay or are you masturbating?

I get annoyed when houseguests take long hot showers... it fogs up my hidden camera lens.

Most men fantasize about having sex with two women at the same time. I fantasize about having sex with the same woman twice.

A woman walks up to a bartender and asks for a Double Entendre, so he gives it to her.

My girlfriend said we would have less arguments if I wasn't so pedantic. I said, "FEWER ARGUMENTS".

I just don't understand my next door neighbor, she keeps going on about how she wants to be a contestant on Big Brother, yet she went fucking mental when she found out I'd put cameras all over her house.

Friends don't let friends go out with women who want to be "friends".

I know you just wanna be friends. Listen! I'm just sayin' I'd rather try anal with someone I know and trust.

I'm getting old now and at some point I'm going to have to stop having sex. I might not have the time, or the stamina, or, you know, I might run out of money.